Indecision

So I am in the middle of a divorce.  There has been infidelity, drugs, deceit, manipulation and a spouse who travels endlessly.  I won’t say who did what.  Not now at least.  Not sure that is all that important.  May change my mind at another time.

I am supposed to move out this weekend.  I want to be separate.  He is asking to reconcile.  I don’t think I am capable of forgiveness. 

This week is dedicated to going our separate ways.  Moving out of our new home that I love and finally felt at home in.  Packing up our 2 childrens belongings and moving them in at a family members home until I can get on my feet.

How do I make sense of my thoughts?  I  don’t want him, love him, respect him, trust him, or want to have anything to do with him.  On the other hand, I am so incredibly scared.  I am not giving my children what they deserve in life.  But am I supposed to continue with being unhappy and mistreated?  Is that really the best?  How do I really know if things will really change?  I don’t want to waste another several years hoping.

 

~ by inthemidstofitall on June 12, 2008.