Ironic

I havent been on here a while…again…and ironically it is almost exactly a year from the last time…and the scenario is pretty much the same as the last post.  In some ways, life seems to have been at a stns still.  And yet in others, I have been growing in leaps and bounds.

I usually turn here when it hurts. When there isnt anyone to love, listen or care about me.  Dont get me wrong, I have an incredible family.  But they are several hours away and busy in their own lives.  I can’t blame  them.

It is a difficult place to be.  In a place where all you need is someone to care about you.  But what are you goingto do?  Call someone and say “hey! can you care about me, please?”  Kinda defeats the purpose.  Nobody wants to feel like an obligation.

I can’t figure out why I lead such a lonely life.  I try very hard to make friends. I would give the shirt off my own back if someone needed it.  I love deeply and genuinely care about those in my life.

Most of my friends are married with kids.  Although our kids are great friends… it just isnt the same being a single parent.  You dont get invited to the “family” events…and then there are the wives who are too insecure to have a single woman near their husbands.  It is incredibly unfair and heatbreaking.

I am so alone it hurts.   All day, every day I put on a smile and exude positivity to inspire others…but then I come home…and the truth of the pain seeps out…

 

The Audacity

I can’t believe the audacity of my ex husband.  I should considering I know who he is but sometimes I can’t help but to be baffled.

He ditches the kids sometimes for months at a time, pops in when its convenient for him and I do all of the work.  He plays, I raise.  He takes them for a few days acting like some kind of superhero eventhough he drops them off with his parents half of their visit with him and comes to drop them off and pulls this…

Tells me I need to take better care of my children bc I don’t brush their teeth 2x a day and their nails arent always clipped and proceeded to criticize the way I care for my children.  This is the same man who has neglected child support for the last 8 months and runs off with his girlfriend and her kids while neglecting his own. 

I give my children EVERYTHING I have and with NO support from him.  How dare he.   My children have a wonderful life, no thanks to him.   They are beautiful, healthy, clean, and loved.

My blood is just boiling.

Letting It Go

I havent been here in a while which is kind of a good thing considering most of the time i visit is because I am upset! 

I am having a tough time because after 2 months of ignoring the children and over4 months of no financial support, their dad requests to have them for Thanksgiving and takes them for 12 days.  He makes no contribution to their lives in any way but expects them to be ready when he feels like being a dad. Instead, he cancels trip to see them to go camping or to see his girlfriend and her 2 children.  It makes me sick.

All along he rips me apart emotionally while I am barely hanging on being a lonely single mom with no support from him. 

What hurts the most is when he arrives and acts like a hero, hugs me and pretends he is Mr Wonderful.  I could slap him for all of the emotional trauma and abuse he puts me through and then tries to act like its all ok.

I have to stop for now and try and get over this.

This is Hard

I have since moved in with my parents along with my children and we all share 1 bedroom.  I have given up a lot of luxuries I once had and in a lot of ways feel like I am rapidly going backwards.

I have gone from a stay at home mom to a single mom working 2 jobs around the clock trying to provide and make ends meet.  I am quickly realizing that some thing I thought I could expect I cannot. 

I think the worst realization of all is that the father of my children seems just fine off on his own and not giving the children time and love or meeting their needs.  I never in a million years thought I would be begging for financial support for our children or begging him to come and spend time with them.  I dont believe he is a bad father but he is acting like one.  I know he is hurting but so are all the rest of us involved. 

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with this deep feeling of hopelessness but I try so hard to kick it out as soon as it enters.  There is so much negative and unknown to dwell on but I am doing my best to keep focus and not lose sight of hope.

I am proud of myself for taking this huge step backward in order to move forward.  Character is being revealed in not only him, but me too.  My character is being built up and I know I will be stronger and a better person for it.   I truly hope he will get to the same point.

I often dont know what I am going to do or where I am going to go but I know I just have to keep at what Ithink is right and attempt to have some faith along the way.  I don’t feel lost in the wilderness anymore but I’ll be honest in that I do feel a bit overwhelmed at my new situation.

I am going to try to remain grateful to those around me that love me and support me.

Today I met MY God

At the risk of seeming hypocritical…
Current mood: impressed

 

I don’t claim to be anywhere near perfect or your ideal Christian girl but I know I try my best.  (most of the time)

Lately I have felt a pull to come “back to center” I guess you could say and try to reevaluate what is important to me.

To me, life is a series of ups and downs…I want to try and make my life full of more up and less down!

Within the last few days I have been begging God to reveal Himself to me and help me see Him, hear Him.  I have never truly sought this with everything I am.

I asked for something very specific last night almost expecting to be let down I think.  Almost like a test.  The difference in this test was how pure and honest my request and heart were.

Today, for the first time in my life, I sought and He was completely and utterly faithful.  Now, I know it is only the first time because I have never truly pursued, not because He ever left me.

I experienced my own God today.  Not faith I borrowed from my parents or riding on someone elses wings…today was just me and God.  That was a pretty amazing experience.

Now lets see if I can manage to accomplish this again without taking 25 years!!!  Ugh!

Contentment, Peace and Happiness

These are emotions and states of being that I have never quite been able to achieve.  That must stop.

Do you have any ideas on where to start if you struggle with these attributes?  Please comment freely.

Road To Discovery

So, I have gotten way off track trying to deal with all of my emotions lately that I forgot one big promise I made to myself…the search and discover me, who and what that means…and be happy with it.

I am going to try and hop back on the wagon and use that as my new focus. 

I was challenged in church this morning to evaluate your days and assign a percentage to how much of your day goes to the hear and now of this world as opposed to how much  of what I do counts for eternity and for Christ’s Kingdom.  I may not be 100% clear with who Christ is to me right now but there is no doubt I want to contribute to his goodness.

This challenge really helps put everyday little things as well as ginormous events and happenings into perspective.

I am accepting the challenge.  I want to make a dent in this world.  I don’t care where or how.

Disappointment

I am new to this whole sharing custody thing but I am pretty sure it is not supposed to work like this.  I am so disappointed that my husband is not fulfilling his duties in sharing the load of caring for the children.

IT seems he think showing up for a few days and helping out with moving is enough and then back to out of state with no obligations other than a little work here and there.

I dont have the brainpower to get into specifics but I am just disappointed to be in this position of trying to work full time and raise 2 kids full time…on my own.  I am not a single mom so should not be expected to live life like one.  Especially without the proper financial compensation.

I am beat.

Moving On

It has been a while and there have been many times I have wanted to sit and write…much has happened.

I have officially moved out of my home with my kids and back into mom and dads.  (a temporary but necessary move)  We are all 3 cozied up in 1 bedroom!  Oh yeah, I call bottom bunk!  Sad but true.

What is most interesting to me is that I have a choice and I still choose this.  IT feels like a major step backward but necessary if I want to move forward at all.

I start work on Monday which is strange.  I have not worked (at least under someone) in years.  Honestly, I hate the idea but I am willing to do whatever it takes.

So much is happening.

What a Week…Day 6

This week has been CRAAAAZY.  Both of my children have been very sick for 6 days now!  There have been many moments I thought I was going to run out the door and just keep running bu they, I’m still here.,,not really firing on all cylinders but still here!

We got out of the house for the first time today…didn’t go so well!  Poor babies were miserable! 

My mental capacity is so in overdrive!  I can’t wait til they start feeling better.  For them…and me!!!